Freelance (if by "freelance" you mean "free") Photographer
May 2001-Present
Photographed Jesus on two continents, the downfall of a suicidal blow-up doll, a world champion steer wrestler, baby corn at NASA, a chandalier made of human bones, catholic school boys, and 3 DROPS OF BLOOD. Photography of almost-famous musicians graced the cover of Fresno Famous (the online weekly "dedicated to making Fresno boring with every issue," as they say).

MA, Berkeley, CA
Research Assistant, January 1999-2001
Walked 4 blocks to work every morning without getting lost. Researched and reviewed humorous Web sites. Acted as liason between self and others. Maintained Wall of Shame. Acted as Scare Quote "police".

Freelance Writer
October 1981-Present
Written over 80 fiction and nonfiction pieces yet to be published.

DSIM, San Francisco, CA
Executive Assistant/"Receptionist", October 1997-January 1999
Humiliated president of the company in front of his underlings. Made "art" projects unrelated to finance, including invitation to Scary Spice's wedding. Wrote a letter to U.S. Customs demanding money back wrongfully charged to aforementioned president when receiving "goods" from outside country. "Serviced" clientele and business associates. Booked president at 4 places in one night for dinner on multiple occassions and then apologized to restaurant hosts for him not showing up. Made up excuses for president when late or never showed up to event or didn't return phone calls.

Philadelphia Weekly, Philadelphia, PA
Editorial Intern, May 1997-August 1997
Viewed an independent film and interviewed a clown.

Matter (a Boston University science magazine), Boston, MA
Associate Editor/Staff Writer/Production, January-May 1997
Ate organic cheese puffs. Prooofread other articles.

Boston University Biology Department, Boston, MA
Office Assistant, September 1993-May 1997
Polished glass capillary tubes. Cleaned out crayfish trays. Photocopied over 10 million journal pages. Graded neurophysiology and neurochemistry exams and papers. Made science fair posters.

Independent on Sunday, Sunday Review, London, England
Editorial Intern, October-December 1996
Read screenplay to depraved film, Crash. Interviewed larger-than-life lead singer of ska band. Requested interviews with famous people the likes of then Prime Minister John Major and Ronald McDonald. Picked up suits and pharmaceuticals and tall skinny lattes. Rejected Isaac Asimov.

201 magazine (a Boston University literary magazine), Boston, MA
Managing Editor/Production, January 1995-May 1996
Selected articles from really cheesily written student submissions. Tried to spin gold out of yarn.


Boston University, Boston, MA
B.S. in Journalism (print: magazine), May 1997



References and portfolio not available upon request